HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

This card is too long on the inside to show in this box.
You should just click on the card to read the inside.
It's worth it. It's a funny one. I promise.
Sincerely,
The Guy Who Wrote This Card

For my special friend on your Birthday

Part of me calls you my special friend because you're special to me. But part of me also calls you that because it makes you sound retarded.

Happy Birthday from us.

Sure the card says "from us," but I think we both know who bought the card and who just signed their name.

Happy Birthday to my best friend.

I'm kidding, you're like my 3rd best friend, but they don't sell cards that say that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most self-centered person I've ever met.

At first I thought this card would piss you off. But then I thought maybe you'd like it because it's about you.

THE BEST BIRTHDAY CARD EVER!

Well, it might not be the best birthday card ever, but it's definitely the most confident.

TODAY IS YOUR DAY.

Well, you and the other 19 million people in the world who are celebrating their birthday today. That's right, I Googled it.

VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY

That's right. Most cards just say, "Happy Birthday." This one says, "Very Happy Birthday," because I care more than everyone else.

You're a hard person to shop for.

And that's a huge part of why I didn't get you anything. Happy Birthday, though.

Everyone loves a birthday card with money inside.

Unfortunately, this is not one of those cards. But man, everyone loves those, right?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Just so you know, I like you way more than all of those douche-bags that just wrote on your facebook wall. I mean come on; I bought you a piece of folded paper.

I found the funniest birthday card I've ever seen.

Unfortunately, it was 25 cents more than this one and I didn't really see the point.

Thank you

Crap, all of this type fills up the card and there's no place for me to write something totally heartfelt. I hope that doesn't take away from how truly thankful you know I am. I'll just write something on the back.

Now this is just crazy, I can’t even write something on the back. This is way out of control.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FAMILY MEMBER.

I'm sorry this isn't very personalized. I wasn't sure who in the family I was going to give it to.

I sincerely hope you have a fantastic birthday.

If I weren't sincere, I probably would have just written on your Facebook wall.

You deserve so much more than just a card.

And that's why I also got you that green envelope. I hope you didn't rip it.

You Complete Me.

And I don't mean that in the overly used Jerry Maguire kind of way. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. My life truly would not be the same without you. But I do wish you were less controlling.

I can't believe you're a year older.

Well, until I look at you. After that, it totally makes sense.

You've aged.

But haven't we all? It's just weird how it's so much more obvious on you. Oh yeah, Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday

Oh no, all of this type fills the card and there's no place for me to write something personal about our friendship. I was gonna write something about that time we did that thing. Damn it, it was gonna be so good. Maybe I'll write about it on the back of this card. Yeah, I'm definitely going to do that. Flip over the card and let's get the nostalgia started.

There are worse things than getting older.

Like having a homeless person vomit in your mouth. That would be worse, right? Happy Birthday.

Thank you very much.

I just wanted to drop you a note and let you know how truly thankful I am. Also I really really want you to keep doing things for me, so I bought you this card.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

This card is too long on the inside to show in this box.
You should just click on the card to read the inside.
It's worth it. It's a funny one. I promise.
Sincerely,
The Guy Who Wrote This Card

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Sorry that I didn't get you anything.

I'll be honest with you. I was gonna get you something really cool. But I didn't want you to have to carry it around all night. You can thank me later for being so thoughtful.

For my special friend on your Birthday

Part of me calls you my special friend because you're special to me. But part of me also calls you that because it makes you sound retarded.

Happy Birthday from us.

Sure the card says "from us," but I think we both know who bought the card and who just signed their name.

Happy Birthday to my best friend.

I'm kidding, you're like my 3rd best friend, but they don't sell cards that say that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most self-centered person I've ever met.

At first I thought this card would piss you off. But then I thought maybe you'd like it because it's about you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY (I guess)

For the record my birthday was on ____ and you didn't get me a card. Not even an email. But that's okay. Happy Birthday to you, I guess.

THE BEST BIRTHDAY CARD EVER!

Well, it might not be the best birthday card ever, but it's definitely the most confident.

THIS IS YOUR BIRTHDAY CARD!!!

And this is the inside of your birthday card. What did you expect?

And yes, this is the back of your birthday card. I'm actually surprised you saw this part. Why are you reading the back of your birthday card?

TODAY IS YOUR DAY.

Well, you and the other 19 million people in the world who are celebrating their birthday today. That's right, I Googled it.

VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY

That's right. Most cards just say, "Happy Birthday." This one says, "Very Happy Birthday," because I care more than everyone else.

You're a hard person to shop for.

And that's a huge part of why I didn't get you anything. Happy Birthday, though.

Everyone loves a birthday card with money inside.

Unfortunately, this is not one of those cards. But man, everyone loves those, right?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Yay, only zero more years until you're old!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Just so you know, I like you way more than all of those douche-bags that just wrote on your facebook wall. I mean come on; I bought you a piece of folded paper.

Happy Birthday. Today, you are ___ YEARS YOUNG.

Wow, once you put the number in there, it doesn't seem very young at all, does it?

HAPPY BIRTHDAYS

Yes, that was "Birthdays" in the plural. Please consider this your birthday card for the next five years.

I found the funniest birthday card I've ever seen.

Unfortunately, it was 25 cents more than this one and I didn't really see the point.

I'm SO HAPPY WE'RE FRiENDS.

It makes the fact that I got you this birthday card way less creepy.

MAY YOU GET YOUR BIRTHDAY WISH.

I'd recommend wishing for something small though. You know, something that God would actually give someone like you.

YOU'RE NOT GETTiNG OLD.

You've been old for a while. Now you're just getting closer to death. Happy Birthday though.

YOUR LIFE IS LIKE A MOVIE

Spoiler alert: you die at the end.

Birthdays only come around once a year.

So don't miss mine, it's on ________

Don't forget to make a wish before you blow out your candles.

Just don't expect your wish to come true. Unless of course your wish is for the candles to go out when you blow on them. Then you have a pretty good chance. Happy Birthday.

I'm sorry I missed your birthday.

It must have been horrible without me.

Happy Birthday to Yu.

That is not a typo. This card is actually a huge seller in China.

Happy Birthday!

I may have only gotten you a card. But look around. I bet there are plenty of people here that didn't even get you that. Think about it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Today, we celebrate your life and all you've become. So please don't let us down like you used to, okay?

I hope you have a great birthday.

Mostly because I'm at your party and I really want to have a good time.

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY

Congratulations on being born. Nice work.

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

It means your parents like to have sex.

MAY YOU LIVE TO BE A THOUSAND.

And hopefully never grow tired of shitting yourself. Because I've heard after 80, you really lose control of your bowels.

You're one in a million!

But don't get too excited. Statistically, that means there are 6,700 people exactly like you. Happy Birthday.

For your birthday, I'd like to get you anything your heart desires.

Unfortunately, the only thing that the human heart desires is blood. And I think if I got you a bag of blood it would be kind of gross, right?

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY

I'm not going to lie to you; this card is way later than you think. It's actually for your birthday in 2002.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FAMILY MEMBER.

I'm sorry this isn't very personalized. I wasn't sure who in the family I was going to give it to.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OLD FRIEND

Sure, they had a card that said, "Happy Birthday, young friend." but when I told them how old you were they wouldn't let me buy it.

I can't believe it's your birthday.

Which is ironic because I went to the store, picked out this card, stuck it in an envelope and gave it to you. You'd think I'd believe it by now.

I sincerely hope you have a fantastic birthday.

If I weren't sincere, I probably would have just written on your Facebook wall.

I'm so happy you were born.

Not so much because I'm a huge fan of yours, but I'd hate to think of you still being inside your mother.

It's your birthday and I couldn't be happier.

Mostly because your age makes me feel so much better about my age.

THE MOST INSULTING BIRTHDAY CARD EVER

Hey, Happy Birthday, Dick Face. What did you expect? You read the front of the card, right?

You deserve so much more than just a card.

And that's why I also got you that green envelope. I hope you didn't rip it.

Happy Birthday

Are you reading this card or just staring at it? Here's a test If you really are reading it, look at me and say, "I think I'm gonna buy a cat and name it Mr. Pickles."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I can't believe it was just ___ years ago today that you squeezed your way out of your mother's vagina.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I was thinking about it and I don't think we're close enough friends for a gift yet. But here's a card. Maybe next year, I'll get you something small.

I can't believe you're a year older.

Well, until I look at you. After that, it totally makes sense.

I value our friendship.

And by "value our friendship," I mean I'm never going to sleep with you. Happy Birthday.

World's 9th best Dad

Hey, 9th best is still pretty good. You made a couple crucial mistakes when I was younger, or you'd be even higher.

You're AMAZING, Happy Birthday.

Don't let this card go to your head. You still like me more than I like you.

You've aged.

But haven't we all? It's just weird how it's so much more obvious on you. Oh yeah, Happy Birthday.

Sorry I missed your birthday.

But if you think about it, where you when I turned three?

Happy Birthday

Oh no, all of this type fills the card and there's no place for me to write something personal about our friendship. I was gonna write something about that time we did that thing. Damn it, it was gonna be so good. Maybe I'll write about it on the back of this card. Yeah, I'm definitely going to do that. Flip over the card and let's get the nostalgia started.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Enjoy this super thoughtful card.

This card is too long on the inside to show in this box.
You should just click on the card to read the inside.
It's worth it. It's a funny one. I promise.
Sincerely,
The Guy Who Wrote This Card

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE MOST AMAZING PERSON I'VE EVER KNOWN.

I'll be honest; I bought this card for myself. But my birthday's not for a while, so I'll just buy myself another one when the time comes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I hope you like your gift. It was between getting you something or sponsoring a kid from a Third World country. I chose the gift. Happy Birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

By now you've probably noticed there Is no gift attached to this card. Just remember, in some cultures, an inexpensive greeting card is considered extremely thoughtful.

There are worse things than getting older.

Like having a homeless person vomit in your mouth. That would be worse, right? Happy Birthday.

Happy 1st Birthday!

I can't believe I just paid three bucks for a birthday card you can't even read. Happy Birthday, kid. You owe me three bucks when you hit puberty.

HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY

This card is too long on the inside to show in this box.
You should just click on the card to read the inside.
It's worth it. It's a funny one. I promise.
Sincerely,
The Guy Who Wrote This Card

HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY!

Wow, 40 years old. If this were the 1700s, you'd be dead.

HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY

May you have 50 more. But let's not count on it okay?

I can't believe you're 30.

I mean, I can't believe you're only 30. I totally thought you were older than that.

This is the anniversary of your birth.

And 9 months after the anniversary of your father impregnating your mother.

Happy Belated Birthday.

Sorry I missed your birthday. I accidentally bought a belated birthday card and thought it would be weird if I gave it to you on time.

HAPPY BIRFDAY

You probably think I'm trying to be cute by buying a card that says "Happy Birfday" on the front, but I'm really not. This greeting card company has a horrible proofreader.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, you stupid, worthless, no good, lazy moron.

Of course I'm kidding. You're not lazy. Happy Birthday.

I ALMOST BOUGHT YOU THE PERFECT GIFT.

But I didn't want to make all your other gifts seem crappy. So I just got you an average gift instead.

MAY YOU HAVE THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!

Just so you know. I've given this card to other people and they did NOT have the best birthday ever. I'm just sayin', this card is not a guarantee.

This birthday card is from the most thoughtful person in the world

This card is too long on the inside to show in this box.
You should just click on the card to read the inside.
It's worth it. It's a funny one. I promise.
Sincerely,
The Guy Who Wrote This Card

THIS IS OPRAH'S FAVORITE BIRTHDAY CARD.

Not the super famous Oprah. The other one.

This year you can have anything you want for your birthday.

As long as you have enough money to buy it yourself.

TODAY WE CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTH

I like to celebrate by imagining you actually coming out of your mother. Don't worry, out of respect for you and your family, I always picture her very nicely groomed.

Happy Birthday, Jesus

This is actually a birthday card for a Hispanic kid named Jesus. But I think it works for Christmas too.

Happy Hanukkah

I know this looks like a Christmas card, but that's not an elf on the front. It's actually an old Jewish man named Morty. Happy Hanukkah

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to a local charity. But don't claim it on your taxes because I might have made that up.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Well, I guess we're about to find out if it really is "the thought that counts." Because I literally got you nothing.

It's Jesus' Birthday.

And once again, I bought you a gift and Jesus gets nothing.