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All Cards

006
(  ) - Happy Birthday (Clown) - The inside of this card provides instructions on how to read it.
064
( a) - Happy Birthday. Sorry that I didn't get you anything. - I'll be honest with you, I was gonna get you something really cool. But I didn't want you to have to carry it around all night.  You can thank me later for being so thoughtful.
 
070
(a) - For my special friend on your birthday - Part of me calls you my special friend because you’re special to me.  But part of me also calls you that because it makes you sound retarded.
018
(a) - Happy Birthday from Us. - Sure, the cards says, "from us," but I think we both know who bought the card and who just signed their name.
 
020
(a) - Happy Birthday to my Best Friend. - I'm kidding, you're like my 3rd best friend, but they don't sell cards that say that.
066
(a) - Happy Birthday to the most self-centered person I've ever met. - At first I thought this card would piss you off. But then I thought maybe you'd like it because it's about you.
 
035
(a) - Happy Birthday, I guess - For the record, my birthday was on ______.
060
(a) - Happy Holidays - This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to a local charity. But don't claim it on your taxes, because I might have made that up.
 
061
(a) - Happy Holidays - Well, I guess we're about to find out if it really is "the thought that counts." Because I literally got you nothing.
048
(a) - The best birthday card ever. - Well, it might not be the best birthday card ever, but it's definitely the most confident.
 
065
(a) - This is your birthday card. - And this is the inside of your birthday card. What did you expect?
068
(a) - Today is YOUR day. - Well, you and the other 19 million people in the world who are celebrating their birthday today. That's right, I Googled it.
 
058
(a) - Very Happy Birthday - That's right.  Most cards just say, "Happy Birthday."  This one says, "Very Happy Birthday," because I care more than everyone else.
046
(a) - You're a hard person to shop for.  - And that's a huge part of why I didn't get you anything.  Happy Birthday, though.
 
102
(a) Everyone Loves a Birthday Card - Unfortunately, this is not one of those cards. But man, everyone loves those, right?
103
(a) Happy Birthday! - Yay, only zero more years until you're old!
 
107
(a) Happy Birthday. Today, you are ____ YEARS YOUNG.
105
(a) I'm so happy we're friends - It makes the fact that I got you this birthday card way less creepy.
 
106
(a) May you get your birthday wish. - I'd recommend wishing for something small though. You know, something that God would actually give someone like you.
101
(a) Thank You - Crap, all of this type fills up the card and there’s no place for me to write something totally heartfelt. I hope that doesn’t take away from how truly thankful you know I am. I’ll just write something on the back.
 
104
(a) You're Not Getting Old. - You've been old for a while. Now you're just getting closer to death. Happy Birthday, though.
067
(aa) - Happy Birthday, Pilgrim. - Of course I know you’re not really a pilgrim. That’s kind of what makes this card funny.
 
047
(ab) - Birthdays only come around once a year. - So don't miss mine.  It's on......
069
(ab) - Don’t forget to make a wish before you blow out your candles. - Just don’t expect your wish to come true.
 
008
(ab) - Happy Birthday Jesus - This is actually a birthday card for a Hispanic kid named Jesus. But I think it works for Christmas too.
025
(ab) - Happy Hanukkah. - I know this looks like a Christmas card, but that's not an elf on the front. It's actually an old Jewish man named Morty. Happy Hanukkah.
 
062
(ab) - I'm thinking about you too. - I say "too" because I just assume you're always thinking about me.
071
(ab) - I’m sorry I missed your birthday. - It must have been horrible without me.
 
024
(ab) - It's Jesus' Birthday. - And once again, I got you a gift and Jesus gets nothing.
037
(ac) - Happy Holidays - I sure hope you got me something too.
 
041
(b) - Congradulations! You graduated! - Holy crap, you didn't even notice that "congratulations" was misspelled on the front of the card. How the hell did you graduate?
055
(b) - Congrats on the promotion!  - I'm totally shocked, but all the more reason to congratulate you.
 
038
(b) - Congratulations on your baby - So I guess now would be a bad time to say, "I don't think you're ready."
027
(b) - Congratulations on your wedding. - I hope you like your gift. Since you went to the store, picked it out and registered for it. Actually, if you don't like it, it's kind of your fault.
 
026
(b) - Congratulations, you two. - Regardless of what everyone says, I don't think either of you settled.
082
(b) - Happy Birthday to Yu. - That is not a typo. This card is a huge seller in China.
 
023
(b) - Happy Birthday. - I may have only gotten you a card, but look around, I bet there are plenty of people here that didn't even get you that. Think about it.
049
(b) - Happy Birthday. - Today, we celebrate your life and all you've become.  So please don't let us down like you used to, okay?
 
021
(b) - I hope you have a great birthday. - Mostly because I'm at your party and I really want to have a good time.
043
(b) - I miss you - Not as much as I thought I was going to, but still, I miss you.
 
029
(b) - I was thinking of you the other day. - But to be honest, I was thinking about a lot of people.
030
(b) - I'm sorry. - I still think it's your fault, but they don't make a card that says that.
 
057
(b) - It's your birthday - Congratulations on being born. Nice work.
056
(b) - It's your birthday. You know what that means? - It means your parents like to have sex.
 
022
(b) - May you live to be a thousand. - And hopefully never grow tired of shitting yourself. Because I've heard after 80, you really lose control of your bowels.
074
(b) - Will you be my Valentine?  - If it helps, I’m 80% sure I don’t have herpes.
 
073
(b) - You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. - I’m sorry, I should specify… You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever known  -- that would actually date me.  Happy Valentine’s Day.
052
(b) - You graduated!  - I'm not sure if I'm happy for you or disappointed in our education system.
 
019
(b) - You're One in a Million! - But don't get too excited. Statistically, that means there are 6,700 people exactly like you. Happy Birthday
096
(b) Happy Belated Birthday. - I’m not going to lie to you; this card is way later than you think.  It’s actually for your birthday in 2002.
 
 

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