May 2012

The Perfect Greeting Card (Can be given to anyone for any reason)

I bought you this card,
because I wanted to wish you a…

Happy Birthday.
Happy Anniversary.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Kwanzaa.
Happy Mother’s Day.
Happy Father’s Day.
Happy Arbor Day.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Happy 30th, 40th, 50th or 60th Birthday.
Congrats on your engagement.
Congrats on your wedding.
Congrats on your second wedding.
Happy 10th, 25th, 40th or 50th Anniversary.
Congrats on the baby. He’s amazing!
Congrats on the baby. She’s amazing!
Congrats on the baby. He or she is slightly above average.
Thank you so much for the gift and/ or check.
Happy Flag Day.
Happy Administrative Professional Day.
Happy Groundhog Day.
Happy Groundhog Day again.
Get Well Soon.
I Miss You.
I’m Sorry.
I’m Sooooo Sorry.
Happy Step-Parents Day.
Happy Graduation!
Happy Halloween.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Sorry to hear about your break up.
I’m thinking about you.
I’m sorry your uncle has the flu.
Congrats on the sex change. Your new parts suit you.
Congrats on retiring.
Congrats on the new house.
Congrats on losing your job.
Sorry to hear you lost your job.
Sorry your grandfather died.
Sorry your mother's 4th husband has a gambling problem.
Other: ______________

I finally found a birthday card that says everything I’ve ever wanted to say on the inside.

Everything I’ve ever wanted to say on the inside.

Happy Birthday. You still look so young.

But you might want to consider skipping the cake this year.

Happy Birthday, Mother Fucker!!!

I actually bought this card for my dad, but then I realized how inappropriate it would be.

You haven’t aged in 10 years.

But I will say this, 10 years ago you looked kind of old for your age.

Happy Birthday, Princess.

If you’re a little girl and I gave you this card, it’s because I think you’re amazing.
But if you’re a guy and I gave you this card, I’m kind of making fun of you. I hope that’s cool.
And if you’re an actual Princess, I didn’t get you a gift because, come on, what do you get a Princess?

Happy Birthday. This card cost me $3.25.

I know you’re gonna check the back to see how much it cost, so I just bought you one that says the price on the front.
You know, to save time.
Happy Birthday.

Merry Christmas

I’m giving you this card for two reasons; One, because I care about you a great deal. And two, because you’re not Jewish.

Happy New Year!

I mean, I THINK it’s gonna be a Happy New Year. It’s actually pretty early in the year for me to make an accurate prediction.

Congrats on your wedding.

You two are such a great couple. I can already tell that domestic violence is NOT going to be an issue.

We haven’t spoken in so long.

Don’t blame me. Blame Caller ID.

Mazel Tov on your Bar Mitzvah!

One day you’re gonna look back at this amazing day and this expensive party your parents threw for you and you’re gonna think to yourself, “Wow, I would have rather had the cash.”

Mazel Tov on your Bat Mitzvah!

One day you’re gonna look back at this amazing day and this expensive party your parents threw for you and you’re gonna think to yourself, “Wow, I would have rather had the cash.”