Other Occasions 
101
(a) Thank You - Crap, all of this type fills up the card and there’s no place for me to write something totally heartfelt. I hope that doesn’t take away from how truly thankful you know I am. I’ll just write something on the back.
 062
(ab) - I'm thinking about you too. - I say "too" because I just assume you're always thinking about me.
 
087
(b) Just Because - I don't even have a reason to get you a card. I just got you one. I guess that makes me one of the most amazing people you know.
 100
(c) Congrats on the new baby. - I have to admit, it’s way cuter than I expected.
 
097
(c) Congratulations on your wedding. - Just so you know, one of you married up and one of you married down. But congratulations to you both.
 098
(d) Happy Easter - Today we celebrate the birth of the Easter Bunny. But something tells me that’s historically incorrect.
 

Other Occasions : Break-up
011
(d) - Sorry To Hear About Your Breakup - But if it helps, I always thought he was an asshole anyway. In fact, we used to make fun of you for dating him.
 012
(g) - You Broke Up...- I mean it kind of has to. This is Rock bottom for you, right?
 

Other Occasions : Father's Day
077
(bc) - I couldn't pick a better father. - And that's always bothered me. Happy Father's Day.
 040
(c) - Worlds 9th best Dad - Hey, 9th best is still pretty good. You made a couple crucial mistakes when I was younger, or you'd be even higher.
 
051
(d) - #1 Dad. - Unless Mom marries again. Then I'll have to reevaluate.
  
 

Other Occasions : Get Well
031
(bc) - Get Well Soon. - Before you become a financial burden on your entire family.
 042
(bc) - They say laughter is the best medicine - Which is ironic, because statistically clowns die very young.
 

Other Occasions : Graduation
041
(b) - Congradulations! You graduated! - Holy crap, you didn't even notice that "congratulations" was misspelled on the front of the card. How the hell did you graduate?
 052
(b) - You graduated! - I'm not sure if I'm happy for you or disappointed in our education system.
 

Other Occasions : Miss You
043
(b) - I miss you - Not as much as I thought I was going to, but still, I miss you.
 016
(e) - I Miss You - Especially the untraditional sex
 

Other Occasions : Mother's Day
075
(c) - #1 Mom - Well, you're number one for now. But if dad marries again, I'll have to reevaluate. Happy Mother's Day.
 013
(c) - Happy Mother's Day - If it's any consolation, my therapist assures me the mistakes you made in raising me were quite common.
 
099
(c) Happy Mother’s Day - Mom, thanks for giving birth to me. You nailed it.
  
 

Other Occasions : Moving
033a
(h) - We're Moving! - Here's our new address. You should get us something for our new place. It's the right thing to do.
  
 

Other Occasions : New Baby
038
(b) - Congratulations on your baby - So I guess now would be a bad time to say, "I don't think you're ready."
 039
(b) You're having a baby - I'm so happy that you're pregnant. I thought you were just getting fat.
 
100
(c) Congrats on the new baby. - I have to admit, it’s way cuter than I expected.
 053
(e) - Congratulation on the baby. - I'm so glad you decided to keep it.
 

Other Occasions : Promotion
055
(b) - Congrats on the promotion! - I'm totally shocked, but all the more reason to congratulate you.
  
 

Other Occasions : Retirement
054
(c) - Congratulations on your retirement. - I sincerely hope you have enough money to live.
  
 

Other Occasions : Sorry
030
(b) - I'm sorry. - I still think it's your fault, but they don't make a card that says that.
 076
(d) - I'm Sorry. - It became apparent that you weren’t going to apologize so I decided to be the bigger person.
 
086
(e) - I'm Sorry - You're always right and I'm always wrong. You're the best and I'm the worst. You're great at everything and I suck at everything. Are you happy now?
  
 

Other Occasions : Thank You
101
(a) Thank You - Crap, all of this type fills up the card and there’s no place for me to write something totally heartfelt. I hope that doesn’t take away from how truly thankful you know I am. I’ll just write something on the back.
 063
(g) - Thank You - Okay, why are you still reading? I said "thank you" on the outside. What else do you want from me?
 
089
(g) - Thank You Very Much - I just wanted to drop you a note and let you know how truly thankful I am. Also, I really, really want you to keep doing things for me, so I bought you this card.
 032
(h) -Thank You - I hope this doesn't sound too generic. Thank you for whatever it is you did for me or gave me.
 
015
(yw) - You're Welcome - Hey, I just got your thank you card and wanted to let you know "You're welcome."
  
 

Other Occasions : Thinking of You
062
(ab) - I'm thinking about you too. - I say "too" because I just assume you're always thinking about me.
 029
(b) - I was thinking of you the other day. - But to be honest, I was thinking about a lot of people.
 
087
(b) Just Because - I don't even have a reason to get you a card. I just got you one. I guess that makes me one of the most amazing people you know.
  
 

Other Occasions : Valentine's Day
074
(b) - Will you be my Valentine? - If it helps, I’m 80% sure I don’t have herpes.
 073
(b) - You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. - I’m sorry, I should specify… You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever known -- that would actually date me. Happy Valentine’s Day.
 
014
(bc) - You Complete Me - ...But I do wish you were less controlling.
 028
(c) - Be My Valentine. - And by "Be My Valentine," I mean let's have sex on Valentine's Day.
 
909
(v) Have I told you lately that I love you?
 910
(v) The Perfect Valentine's Day. - For me, the perfect Valentine's Day would be full of great conversation, plenty of laughs and a fantastic dinner. And needless to say, lots of intercourse.
 

Other Occasions : You're Welcome
015
(yw) - You're Welcome - Hey, I just got your thank you card and wanted to let you know "You're welcome."
  
 
 
 
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