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Dear Bald Guy, How do I pass an Art History test that I've already failed?-Paige
That's a great question. We actually get that one a lot.
My recommendation to you is forget about that test, it's just one test and it's Art History. Unless you're going to be an art dealer, you'll be okay in real life.
In all seriousness, there's nothing you can do about that test, it's done. But on future tests, it would definitely help if you became a smarter person. Start by re-reading the syllabus that your teacher went over with you on the first day of class.
Julius Caesar once said, "Lest not cling to the past, for the future is where our lives are built."
Now, of course, Julius Caesar didn't really say that, but you're bad at history, so you probably didn't catch that. Bottom line: Study more. Listen in class. Do your homework and you'll do great. Also, take time to enjoy your life. Working hard is great, but we all need balance.
Dear Bald Guy, why don't you have any cards making fun of bald guys?-FullHeadofHair
There are lots of reasons I don't make fun of bald guys.
The biggest reason is because I'm bald and that's like the 4th most interesting thing to make fun of about me. If I did make fun of myself, there are plenty of other things to make fun of first.
I'd start by making fun of my strong jaw or my above average intelligence. I'd make fun of my pecks or my undeniably amazing calf muscles. But what's funny about being near perfect? Not much. In fact, I'd almost sound cocky.
Also, bald guys, in general are kind of bad asses. I make fun of them and they kick my ass. I don't want to get my ass kicked. That sounds horrible. I just want to write funny greeting cards. I don't want to make fun of Michael Stipe. That's not cool. I enjoy his music.
In closing, I'm sorry that the cards don't make fun of bald people. Maybe some day when bald stops being so beautiful. Is that okay?
Dear Bald Guy, I noticed you don't have any cards that celebrate Pi Day on 3.14 (March 14th). What's up with that?-Sincerely, 3.1415
There are many reasons we don't have any Pi Day cards.
The first and foremost is the complete lack of demand. No one buys them. Seriously, no one. Trust me.
Not sure if you remember Einstein cards or a company called Cards for Nerds, but they both went out of business shortly after launching. I'm guessing because they exclusively wrote cards for Pi Day. I mean, come on, how many jokes can you make about 3.1415?
Of course there's always the obvious, 2 x Pi x Radius jokes to find the circumference of a circle, but even that gets old, right?
We would of course consider a Pi Day card, if Birthday Cakes were ever replaced with Birthday Pies.
Sorry about that. I hope you still like our other cards.
Dear Bald Guy, Are you really Bald?-Jill
Dear Jill, Are you the same Jill that wrote on the Ralph Lauren website and asked Ralph Lauren if his name really is Ralph Lauren? Why don't you trust company names? That's super weird.
But let's not talk about that right now, because I want to answer your question. Yes, I really am bald. I'm Ian and I write the cards, but Sean, the illustrator of the cards is not bald. In fact, he has a fantastic head of hair.
Fortunately, I got to name the company. If we named the company Fantastic Head of Hair Greetings, we would have come off like cocky douchebags and that's not us. But fortunately, I had this one flaw that sounds good as a greeting card line and we used it.
I hope that answers your question. And I really hope you're not a baldist. You still like our cards, right? The bald thing doesn't hurt us?
Dear Bald Guy, How much wood, could a woodchuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?-Blacky Chan & White Sister
Dear Blacky Chan, Of course my expertise comes in writing greeting cards, but I do know the answer to this and the answer is roughly 128 cubic feet of wood per day.
But again, this is only if they actually could chuck wood. Sadly, they can't.
Dear Bald Guy, My brother just got laid off from his crappy ass job. It is a great thing, although I am not sure that he agrees. I was wondering if you had any cards that say: Your life is still going to suck, but at least you will have less money to spend on stupid stuff. And now you'll have plenty of time to look for that dream job that probably doesn't exist. Or maybe you can figure out the formula to win the lottery. Do you have anything like that? Maybe a little more positive? Thank you for your time and have a lovely day!-Kat C.
Dear Kat C., I'll be honest with you, we don't have a card that says that hiding away. In fact, if we did have a card that said exactly that, it would be the most ridiculous, crazy coincidence EVER.
Sorry. I wish I could help more. Maybe if we become a super successful card line, I could hire him on. And then as a goof, I'll lay him off too and we can give him that card you came up with. Do you think he'd laugh at the complexity of our plan or no?
Dear Bald Guy, I always feel left out of the conversation with my friends. They're lovely people, I just feel like I cant quite relate to the topic of conversation sometimes. Any tips on how to join in?-cat face
Dear cat face, That's a tough one. My first inclination is to tell you to get new friends that you have stuff in common with. The ones you have now kind of sound like dicks. But please remember, I am truly not qualified to be a life coach.
Before you do a drastic overhaul on your friendships, the Bald Guy recommends shaving your head. That way, you'll be the one controlling the conversation. Trust me, they won't want to talk about a bunch of boring crap, when you're sitting there with no hair. This is based solely on a study conducted by Britney Spears in 2007. I don't really remember how it worked out. Good luck.
Dear Bald Guy, Recently I have lost my inspiration and motivation for drawing and photography. Any ideas on how to regain it?- Thanks a bunch, mojo-less
Dear mojo-less, It's all in your head. Of course you've lost your inspiration. After all, your name is mojo-less. I blame your parents and their naming process. Go to your local city hall and have your name legally changed. I recommend one of the following names; Super Mojo, Sir Knows-a-Lot or Ricky-J.
And if the name change isn't an option, I recommend getting out of your daily routine. Do something different. Maybe go for a walk or read a bunch of Bald Guy Greetings. I know this isn't a funny answer, but I truly am concerned about you. I hope it helps.
Dear Bald Guy, What are the chances you guys make a 60th birthday card?? Your cards are so damn funny, I'd like to give one to my old man.- Thanks, JC
Dear JC, We don't currently have a 60th birthday card, but be honest with us, did someone make you write this? We've recently had a bunch of people tell us we need a Happy 60th Birthday card. Maybe it's a rival greeting card company that's trying to bring us down? It's not really the sweet spot of our demographic, but I'm sure you know that. Let me know when your dad is turning 60 and I'll see if I can do something for you.
Dear Bald Guy, I'm playing poker with a buddy, Let's just call him Doug, because that's his name. He calls an all-in bet with a gut-shot straight draw and hits it on the river. WTF?- Shatz
Dear Shatz, First of all, that can't be your real name. It's literally the past tense plural of the word shit. No offense.
Also, you probably don't know this, but I'm a poker savant, so the advice I give you is solid. You can do one of 3 things...
1) Punch him in the arm three times in rapid succession.
2) Throw a bowl of chips at his face. The Bald Guy recommends BBQ
3) Continue playing with him forever, because he will lose 91% of the time. That is statistically accurate, by the way.
Best of luck and remember to play pocket aces strong before the flop.
Dear Bald Guy, I'm having a hard time getting five servings of fruit a day. Can you give me any suggestions?- Guy with Fruit Problem
Dear Guy with Fruit Problem, I'm surprised you don't know this, but one grape actually counts as a full serving of fruit.
What I like to do is tally up how many pieces of fruit I've consumed throughout the day. At days end, if I've only had 2 servings of fruit, I toss 3 grapes down my throat and I'm good. Also, it's important to remember that I have no formal health training. In fact, I got a C+ in nutrition in 8th grade. But I'm pretty sure that grape thing is spot on. Best of luck at staying regular. You're welcome.
Dear Bald Guy, How do I know how many blades I need on my razor? Three blades? Five? Or am I supposed to be holding out for a twelve blade?- Asif
Dear Asif, We at Bald Guy Greetings recommend a 5 blade shaver. Hands down the best shaver. When they do invent a 6 blade shaver, don't use it. It'll be a gimmick. 6 blades doesn't do anything more for your face. But when they invent a 7 blade shaver -- buy it. It's perfect for any skin type. It's crazy they haven't invented it yet.
Also, it should be noted that this advice is only to be used on shaving your face. Any other parts of your body, please either see a professional groomer or email the advice column on the Hallmark website. Those bastards are hairy in all the wrong places. Not that there's anything wrong with that.