QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
I think your cards are pretty funny, actually I love them and wish I could find them in more stores. My question though is...Do you have any cards specifically for siblings?
I think your cards are pretty funny, actually I love them and wish I could find them in more stores. My question though is...Do you have any cards specifically for siblings?
-Chris
ANSWER:
Dear Chris,
You had me at "actually, I love them and wish I could find them in more stores". All I can say is you will definitely see our cards more often in the future. Until then, please feel free to order online. We'll ship them out right away -- we promise.
Now regarding the Sibling Birthday Card -- we do have a card for that. Check out the "Birthday Cards" section on this website. Move your eyes up a little and look to the left. Yeah, just above where it says "Holiday Cards" in bold. When you click on "Birthday Cards", search for card 091. It says, "Happy Birthday, Family Member" on the front. Don't worry, it's funnier on the inside, but I don't want to ruin that part for you. Check it out.
Let me know if that works for you. If not, try one of our other cards this year and I'll work on writing a new sibling card for your siblings next birthday. Cool?
QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
How do I pass an Art History test that I've already failed?
How do I pass an Art History test that I've already failed?
-Paige
ANSWER:
Dear Paige,
That's a great question. We actually get that one a lot.
My recommendation to you is forget about that test, it's just one test and it's Art History. Unless you're going to be an art dealer, you'll be okay in real life.
In all seriousness, there's nothing you can do about that test, it's done. But on future tests, it would definitely help if you became a smarter person. Start by re-reading the syllabus that your teacher went over with you on the first day of class.
In the words of John Quincy Adams, "Let us not cling to what has already past - let us plan for our future."
Now, of course, John Quincy Adams didn't really say that. But, as we've already established - you're knowledge of history is garbage.
Bottom line: Study more. Listen in class. Do your homework and you'll improve. Also, take time to enjoy your life. Working hard is great, but we all need balance.
QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
Why don't you have any cards making fun of bald guys?
Why don't you have any cards making fun of bald guys?
-FullHeadofHair
ANSWER:
Dear FullHeadofHair,
There are lots of reasons I don't make fun of bald guys.
The main reason is probably that bald guys, in general, are kind of bad asses. I make fun of them and they kick my ass. I don't want to get my ass kicked. That sounds horrible. I just want to write funny greeting cards. I don't want to make fun of Michael Stipe. That's not cool. I enjoy his music. And Bruce Willis is a national treasure.
In closing, I'm sorry that the cards don't make fun of bald people. Maybe some day when bald stops being so beautiful. I'll write cards about them too.
QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
I noticed you don't have any cards that celebrate Pi Day on 3.14 (March 14th). What's up with that?
I noticed you don't have any cards that celebrate Pi Day on 3.14 (March 14th). What's up with that?
-Sincerely, 3.1415
ANSWER:
Dear 3.1415,
First of all, your name is ridiculous. I can't believe your parents decided to spell your name with numbers.
But there are many reasons we don't make Pi Day cards. The first and foremost is the complete lack of demand. No one buys them. Seriously, no one. Trust me.
Not sure if you remember Einstein cards or a company called Cards for Nerds, but they both went out of business shortly after launching. I'm guessing because they exclusively wrote cards for Pi Day. I mean, come on, how many jokes can you make about 3.1415? I mean, other than the ones you undoubtedly received in elementary school.
Of course there's always the obvious, 2 x Pi x Radius jokes to find the circumference of a circle, but even that gets old, right? We would of course consider a Pi Day card, if Birthday Cakes were ever replaced with Birthday Pies. That could be good.
I hope that answer is okay and really hope you still like our other cards.
QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
Are you really Bald?
Are you really Bald?
-Jill
ANSWER:
Dear Jill,
Yeah, doy. Of course, I'm bald. It would be so rude of me if I was a haired person and I called my company Bald Guy Greetings.
Yeah, doy. Of course, I'm bald. It would be so rude of me if I was a haired person and I called my company Bald Guy Greetings.
But it should be noted that my partner at Bald Guy Greetings has a fantastic head of hair. To be honest, it's almost too much. No one man should have that much hair.
Fortunately, I got to name the company. Because if we named the company Fantastic Head of Hair Greetings, we would have come off like a couple of real d-bags and that's not us. As it turns out, I had one single flaw (being bald), so we named the company that.
I hope that answers your question. And I really hope you're not a baldist. You still like our cards, right? The bald thing doesn't hurt us?
QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
How much wood, could a woodchuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
How much wood, could a woodchuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
-Blacky Chan & White Sister
ANSWER:
Dear Blacky Chan & White Sister,
Of course my expertise comes in writing greeting cards, but I do know the answer to this and the answer is roughly 128 cubic feet of wood per day.
Of course my expertise comes in writing greeting cards, but I do know the answer to this and the answer is roughly 128 cubic feet of wood per day.
But again, this is only if they actually could chuck wood. Sadly, they can't.
QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
My brother just got laid off from his crappy ass job. It is a great thing, although I am not sure that he agrees. I was wondering if you had any cards that say: Your life is still going to suck, but at least you will have less money to spend on stupid stuff. And now you'll have plenty of time to look for that dream job that probably doesn't exist. Or maybe you can figure out the formula to win the lottery. Do you have anything like that? Maybe a little more positive? Thank you for your time and have a lovely day!
My brother just got laid off from his crappy ass job. It is a great thing, although I am not sure that he agrees. I was wondering if you had any cards that say: Your life is still going to suck, but at least you will have less money to spend on stupid stuff. And now you'll have plenty of time to look for that dream job that probably doesn't exist. Or maybe you can figure out the formula to win the lottery. Do you have anything like that? Maybe a little more positive? Thank you for your time and have a lovely day!
-Kat C.
ANSWER:
Dear Kat C.,
I'll be honest with you, we don't have a card that says that hiding away. In fact, if we did have a card that said exactly that, it would be the most ridiculous, crazy coincidence EVER.
I'll be honest with you, we don't have a card that says that hiding away. In fact, if we did have a card that said exactly that, it would be the most ridiculous, crazy coincidence EVER.
Sorry. I wish I could help more. Maybe if we become a super successful card line, I could hire him on. And then as a goof, I'll lay him off too and we can give him that card you came up with. Do you think he'd laugh at the complexity of our plan or no?
QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
I always feel left out of the conversation with my friends. They're lovely people, I just feel like I cant quite relate to the topic of conversation sometimes. Any tips on how to join in?
I always feel left out of the conversation with my friends. They're lovely people, I just feel like I cant quite relate to the topic of conversation sometimes. Any tips on how to join in?
-Cat Face
ANSWER:
Dear Cat Face,
That's a tough one. My first inclination is to tell you to get new friends that you have stuff in common with. The ones you have now kind of sound like dicks. But please remember, I am truly not qualified to be a life coach.
Before you do a drastic overhaul on your friendships, the Bald Guy recommends shaving your head. That way, you'll be the one controlling the conversation. Trust me, they won't want to talk about a bunch of boring crap, when you're sitting there with no hair. This is based solely on a study conducted by Britney Spears in 2007. I don't really remember how it worked out. Good luck.
QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
Recently I have lost my inspiration and motivation for drawing and photography. Any ideas on how to regain it?
- Thanks a bunch, Mojo-less
ANSWER:
Dear Mojo-less,
It's all in your head. Of course you've lost your inspiration. After all, your name is mojo-less. I blame your parents and their naming process. Go to your local city hall and have your name legally changed. I recommend one of the following names; Super Mojo, Sir Knows-a-Lot or Ricky-J.
Dear Mojo-less,
It's all in your head. Of course you've lost your inspiration. After all, your name is mojo-less. I blame your parents and their naming process. Go to your local city hall and have your name legally changed. I recommend one of the following names; Super Mojo, Sir Knows-a-Lot or Ricky-J.
And if the name change isn't an option, I recommend getting out of your daily routine. Do something different. Maybe go for a walk or read a bunch of Bald Guy Greetings. I know this isn't a funny answer, but I truly am concerned about you. I hope it helps.
QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
What are the chances you guys make a 60th birthday card?? Your cards are so damn funny, I'd like to give one to my old man.
What are the chances you guys make a 60th birthday card?? Your cards are so damn funny, I'd like to give one to my old man.
- Thanks, JC
ANSWER:
Dear JC,
We don't currently have a 60th birthday card, but be honest with us, did someone make you write this? We've recently had a bunch of people tell us we need a Happy 60th Birthday card. Maybe it's a rival greeting card company that's trying to bring us down? It's not really the sweet spot of our demographic, but I'm sure you know that. Let me know when your dad is turning 60 and I'll see if I can do something for you.
We don't currently have a 60th birthday card, but be honest with us, did someone make you write this? We've recently had a bunch of people tell us we need a Happy 60th Birthday card. Maybe it's a rival greeting card company that's trying to bring us down? It's not really the sweet spot of our demographic, but I'm sure you know that. Let me know when your dad is turning 60 and I'll see if I can do something for you.
QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
I'm playing poker with a buddy, Let's just call him Doug, because that's his name. He calls an all-in bet with a gut-shot straight draw and hits it on the river. WTF?
I'm playing poker with a buddy, Let's just call him Doug, because that's his name. He calls an all-in bet with a gut-shot straight draw and hits it on the river. WTF?
- Shatz
ANSWER:
Dear Shatz,
First of all, that can't be your real name. It's literally the past tense plural of the word shit. No offense, of course.
First of all, that can't be your real name. It's literally the past tense plural of the word shit. No offense, of course.
Also, you probably don't know this, but I'm a poker savant, so the advice I give you is solid. You can do one of 3 things...
1) Punch him in the arm three times in rapid succession.
2) Throw a bowl of chips at his face. The Bald Guy recommends BBQ
3) Continue playing with him forever, because he will lose 91% of the time. That is statistically accurate, by the way.
Best of luck and remember to play pocket aces strong before the flop.
QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
I'm having a hard time getting five servings of fruit a day. Can you give me any suggestions?
I'm having a hard time getting five servings of fruit a day. Can you give me any suggestions?
- Guy with Fruit Problem
ANSWER:
Dear Guy with Fruit Problem,
I'm surprised you don't know this, but one grape actually counts as a full serving of fruit.
I'm surprised you don't know this, but one grape actually counts as a full serving of fruit.
What I like to do is tally up how many pieces of fruit I've consumed throughout the day. At days end, if I've only had 2 servings of fruit, I toss 3 grapes down my throat and I'm good. Also, it's important to remember that I have no formal health training. In fact, I got a C+ in nutrition in 8th grade. But I'm pretty sure that grape thing is spot on. Best of luck at staying regular. You're welcome.
QUESTION:
Dear Bald Guy,
How do I know how many blades I need on my razor? Three blades? Five? Or am I supposed to be holding out for a twelve blade?
- Asif
ANSWER:
Dear Asif,
We at Bald Guy Greetings recommend a 5 blade shaver. Hands down the best shaver. When they do invent a 6 blade shaver, don't use it. It'll be a gimmick. 6 blades doesn't do anything more for your face. But when they invent a 7 blade shaver -- buy it. It's perfect for any skin type. It's crazy they haven't invented it yet.
We at Bald Guy Greetings recommend a 5 blade shaver. Hands down the best shaver. When they do invent a 6 blade shaver, don't use it. It'll be a gimmick. 6 blades doesn't do anything more for your face. But when they invent a 7 blade shaver -- buy it. It's perfect for any skin type. It's crazy they haven't invented it yet.
Also, it should be noted that this advice is only to be used on shaving your face. Any other parts of your body, please either see a professional groomer or email the advice column on the Hallmark website. Those bastards are hairy in all the wrong places. Not that there's anything wrong with that.